Red, White and Femme: The Girl Zone – Madonna Meet Whore
Oct 2011 26

Red, White and Femme: The Girl Zone – Madonna Meet Whore

Posted In Activism,Blog,Feminism,Politics

by Darrah de jour

Just last week, New Jersey state senate candidate Phil Mitsch got in hot water for relegating his Tweet Deck to a Rules-esque motherboard. Forking up some much-needed dating advice to us ladies, he tweeted: “Women, you increase your odds of keeping your men by being faithful, a lady in the living room and a whore in the bedroom.”

Now, people take to their social networks for a plethora of non-job-related things, including break-up announcements, play-by-plays of their nightly bar-hopping, or the new celeb fave –– the topless back shot. (Because I was having trouble sleeping before I knew that Demi Moore’s spine was, in fact, perfectly aligned.) So, in this post-Weiner world of penis-shaped chirps and pep talks like ex-IBM manager Joe Acuri’s alleged “get your boobies out and get sales” good-natured goad, is it surprising that a Republican runner uses his God-given patriarchal right to tweet to remind women that, at the end of the day, we are glorified school girls, maids, and hookers?

Unfortunately, the good girl/bad girl scenario, along with all of its glorious limitations, is still a pervasive tool used to denigrate the fairer sex and control women’s sexual prowess, and essentially, put us on mute.

In his defense, he did give men a similar maxim, offering them advice on how to keep their women by “being faithful, a gentleman in the living room and a stud in the bedroom.” Here’s the issue many women have raised: there really are no male equivalents to the word whore. And here’s why: men’s sexuality is celebrated. Women’s is not.

We are constantly convinced –– by media images, by social banter, by office politics, by government politics, by social politics, by gender politics –– that we are pleasurable tools for the male orgasm. We are pushed around, pleaded with, spread thin, paraded, scrutinized, insulted, disrespected, hushed, ignored, manipulated, blamed and won over because we simply don’t understand what it’s like to be “so horny” all of the time.

Here’s my question: if men have this ridiculous, unquenchable, non-stop, life-assaulting, all-consuming, never-ending sensual drive, need and extra energy –– why isn’t it being spent trying to make our lives easier? Why isn’t it used to arouse us to the level of desire they are living with? Why isn’t it lavished on us so that we can reach daily orgasm? Instead, women are society’s geishas.

For example, if I had an insane day of never-ending phone calls, job assignments, housework, personal preening, fires to put out, etc. and then came home to find that my partner had had a breezier day, wouldn’t it make more sense for him to coddle me versus the other way around? The same can be said of this seemingly invisible sex drive that women are supposedly inflicted with.

Only, we actually have a similar drive for sex. We just happen to be more discerning in wielding it. Plus, we are so sick of religion, patriarchy and men’s judgments that sometimes it’s hard to get it up. (Not to mention, some of us are actually still brain-washed by these factors.) We are so up in our heads about it that sex has become this suppressed, twisty, confusing, numbing, crazy manipulation that we sometimes use against y’all. Or each other. Women –– I’m not counting us out. I’ve never been so judged by anyone than I have been by other women; because really, by society’s standards –– I’m a nymphomaniac. (And proud of it.)

I love sex and sensuality and porn and by-products of estrogen, testosterone, aphrodisiacs and sex-related endorphins so much that, really, some days, it’s all I friggin’ think about. I masturbate three times a day some days. I use dating sites like Facebook. I have at least five guys I can call on any given night to hitch a ride on my shooting star, and leave promptly after. Plus, I’m in my early-30s, and supposedly at my sexual peak. This is my excuse for a high-sex drive. Because, here’s the thing – apparently, I need one.

I need an excuse because I have a vagina.

A few tid-bits about me: I began masturbating at age 9. I realized I was bisexual at 12. I began having fantasies about older men, leather-clad women and bondage and dominance before I took my SAT’s. I have more lingerie and sex toys than a Manhattan hooker.

But, I’m also picky as fuck. I have had half the sex partners of any New York Magazine Sex Diarist. My imagination is my greatest weapon against pregnancy and a loose vag.

And my girl friends? They are amazing. Open-minded, lovely, sexual, fun and cool as long as I don’t talk too loud or too much about being a single, sexy, smart L.A. gal. It’s OK as long as it’s in the front room closet.

Shit I Don’t Understand

While I love the altruism in Mitsch’s age-old adage (who, according to his website, is a “mortgage expert” not Dr. Ruth), the problem herein lies with the complexity of the human condition. Men’s sexuality to be more exact.

While it’s a fact that both women and men cheat, for the sake of this argument, let’s keep the focus on the chaste woman and the free man. Men cheat and oft times it has less to do with how warm his meal is when he gets home. I’m gonna go out on a limb here (and reel me in if I’m bein’ overly-ambitious), but somehow, in our outdated, presumptuous, old-world existence where monogamy is king and keeping women on a string is the norm, I don’t think that men who cheat are doing so in direct response to their wife offering or not offering up an additional hole or a Hot Toddy when he’s sick –– as Mitsch’s idiom suggests.

Is it possible, that he’s doing so because he fucking wants to? Because our puritanical view of sex is something that even he is sick and tired of? That he felt pressured into marriage and a single partner by the same dictating forces that we succumb to daily? That he’s a victim of his own Frankenstein?

Read more next week, when I delve into the other side of the coin –– women proselytizing to other women about whom they should be in the bedroom. And what we sluts can do about it.

***

Post-feminist sex and sensuality expert Darrah de jour is a freelance journalist who lives in LA with her dog Oscar Wilde. Her writing has appeared in Marie Claire, Esquire and W. In her Red, White and Femme: Strapped With A Brain – And A Vagina columns for SuicideGirls, Darrah will be taking a fresh look at females in America. Visit her blog at Darrahdejour.com/srblog and find her on Facebook.

Related Posts:

Red, White and Femme: When Mean Girls Grow Up
Red, White and Femme: Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Polyamory, Part II
Red, White and Femme: Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Polyamory Part I – With Annie Sprinkle
Red, White and Femme: America is FUGLY
Red, White and Femme: Trusting The Ring of Purity – Faith vs Sex Education
Red, White and Femme Fearless Femme Spotlight: Mia Tyler

5 comments
Uncle Tim
Uncle Tim

First off: Not sure I am the guy you wanted to come to on this topic. I spent a great deal of my life studying human sexuality. In my research I have found that women tend to cheat more then men. Of course my "research" is limited to life experience (a lot of college courses) and not empirical data. That said, cheating is "most times" not an act of the libido going crazy but rather a break down in communication in a couple. The demise of communication gets to a point were the other person (male or female...conscience or subconscience) physically displays there frustrations. So no, it is not the lack of hot toodies or new holes. The act itself ensures confrontation...therefore forcing a dialoge or much needed communication. Lets put this into a perspective.... If you are dating a Bi-sexual partner...You are aware of there diversity and needs. You discuss and come to an agreement. Therefore when you come home from a rough day at the office it's no surprise that they are in bed with someone of the same sex. You are dating a Bi-sexual and have no idea. You come home and are shocked to find them in bed with someone of the same sex. I realize it's an extreme and over simplified but it does illustrate my point. Of course with men of power there is always the idea of "conquest". I think you may have mis spoke when you said men have a " never-ending sensual drive". Men have a never-ending sexual drive. Very different in my book. Even with that edit I don't think it's the sex they want but rather the accomplishment of seducing a woman. Sensual would be to enjoy a Womans body for its many splendors and amazing bits (okay just turned myself on there). Sex (in this context) is the act of getting her naked and blowing a load on her tummy. Sex is physical, Sensual is more emotional. I am not by any means down grading SEX. Sometimes raw physical is best. Just drawing the line in the sand.

Sellers
Sellers

It is absolutely disgusting how right you are. Society puts women on a different pedastal than they do men. Sometimes for the better but more oft for the worst. We (society) say that we see women and men as equals, but we really don't. The overwhelming majority of men see a woman as something that is there when they need it. Whether it's for sex, cleaning, raising a family ... you name it, most men want it when they want it and they don't want to be bothered to put much effort into it. That being said, there are those guys (and gals) who have a different understanding of how things work. An understanding that communication actually is key to a successful relationship ... be it a one night stand or a 45 year marriage. Sadly these folks are in the vast minority. Now on the note of: Why does society give men the control over women? History shows that men always had the weapons. They were the soldiers. The strong who would protect. And their women would need to feel lucky to have them. A man might take on a whore yet stay with his wife. A way to show dominance. Leading women to believe that in order to keep their man they must prove loyalty by keeping house during the day, and then giving him what he may not expect from his virgin prize ... in the bedroom. Now add the manipulation of religion to the mix and it goes downhilll from there. This could go on forever, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that the notion of a wife being "a lady in the living room and a whore in the bedroom"  has been around for a long time. And it certainly will not go away too soon. The sad part is that we accept it as fact. We don't think we can talk to our partners about what we really want from them. Whether it's to let them know we are unsatisfied in bed ... or to put away the laundry and empty the dishwasher a fair share of the time. The only way to even the battlefield is to open the lines of communication. But for some reason, it's easier to cheat on and hurt the one you love than it is to tell them how you feel. Stupid Ego!!

Sellers
Sellers

(cont.) Being able to openly talk with my wife about anything that might be on my mind, whether it's about a fantasy I may have with a friend of hers or that her dinner didn't taste very good, I know that there will be no judgement or unneccessary fighting without an adult conversation about it first. And no, it's not always pleasant. But the same goes for her. If we couldn't do that I don't think we would last. It doesn't matter how many times I've been punched, stabbed, thrown down the stairs, or left in the dust by the "peanut gallery" in the back of my head. Because the amount of bad things that have actually happened as a result of either of us being honest with each other could be counted on a single hand. And after more than 12 years together I can't see any reason to not be with her. So just remember to always be open and honest with what you want and what you need. You might be surprised with what you hear from the other end. Great article Darrah. Hope I didn't rant or stray too much (it's kinda late). I really do hope that we can keep the ideals of people like Mitsch out of the minds of our children as well as out of any public office. Can't wait for part 2. :)

Bukowski_wannabe
Bukowski_wannabe

Great Job on the article Ms. De Jour.  It certainly makes one think.  I have no great insight into why societal norms are as such.  I'm a male with an insanely high sex drive (at least until this past year when I turned 40 lol) and I am quite guilty of the very thing you discuss in the article.  That is, I prefer my partners to be angelic outside of the bedroom and turn them into the "whore" within.  It's awful.  It's hypocritical.  And yet it is what it is. I can't speak for every guy but I think ego is the driving factor.  I think our ego wants us to believe we have this "power" to turn even the most frigid non sexual woman into this hot cauldron of lust.  For me, it's the adrenaline rush. Feeling like I am the one that is causing this transformation and turning her into this sex lunatic gives me an adrenaline rush like there is no tomorrow. Understand that I am not saying that I literally am the cause.  It's just the fantasy or belief in my own head that I am the cause that leads to the adrenaline rush. Anyway, suffice it to say, your article gives me a lot to think about, even about my sexuality, and why is it that I prefer dating the virgin over the pornstar (via analogy) only to expect the virgin to become the pornstar in bed.  Thanks again! 

Mike Bisch
Mike Bisch

Who would vote for a guy like this?  I mean, talk about archaic principles.  You're right to point out that they still exist and that women really are no different than men in general when it comes to sex drive.  Thank you especially for the tantalizing personal insights.  :)