Life Beyond the Bar Scene: Unsettled
Jul 2011 29

Life Beyond the Bar Scene: Unsettled

Posted In All Things SG,Blog,Booze,Food & Drink,Love,Relationships,Sex,Society

by Laurelin

Driving down the quaint streets of Chatham on Cape Cod is always a reality check for me. The gorgeous colonial style historic homes with vast lawns and wrap around porches lay quietly by the sea, so perfect in their rustic yet modern décor, looking as though a horse drawn buggy would be a better fit in the driveway rather than a SUV. I have always wanted a home like that. I want something old fashioned by the water, somewhere were I can drink sangria on the porch with my husband and look out at the sea. I could stare at these houses forever, just dreaming of a life that right now, seems so out of reach.

I left a seaside town to move to the city, traded the ocean in my backyard for a concrete ocean and non-stop traffic, horns and sirens. Constant college party screams and shouts lull me to sleep instead of the waves and the cry of seagulls. Instead of tasting salt in the breeze, you might get the occasional AC water drip from the apartments above you. I am used to this city life now, and I do miss it when it’s gone, but I can’t see myself retiring and settling down here forever. For me, right now, this is what I have convinced myself I need. This city has always catered to my single needs. Even when I had a boyfriend this city did nothing to help “us” live a quieter happy couple life. We’re late nighters. Our only consistency in life was the same bar stool we would sit in after work. We had no place in a place like the Cape. We didn’t belong there, we belonged here in this tragedy.

It’s a much different story than just city life vs. country life. To me it’s like two different worlds. Move me to one of those houses on the Cape without me feeling like I’m completely done with this city bar scene and I would be lost. My only question –– is it going to be enough? What am I waiting for? More money? The perfect person to bring with me? If I wanted that life so badly things would have been different. I could have moved home to Rhode Island this year but I couldn’t do it. I was supposed to move to San Diego this September, but the thought of leaving Boston just became too horrifying for me. It was just easier to stay, to keep doing what I’m doing. Why stir the pot when things are pretty much alright the way they are? This city has become the ultimate enabler, allowing me to live a crazy life from which I want no rescue.

I guess I’m just not done yet. I know I’m almost 29 years old, but I’m just not finished, not ready to settle, not ready to admit that I want a quieter life, eventually. I’ve been looking for a place to move into in Boston next month, and the realtor I was driving with was just trying to make small talk:

“So, you must have a boyfriend,” he asked, giving me a coy sideways glance.

“Um, not really.” I said.

“Not really?”

“I mean, not technically. I have someone. Just not my boyfriend.”

“Huh,” he said. “How do you feel about that?”

“Fine,” I said. “I’m not really the girlfriend type right now.” (What the hell? Is this guy going to sell me an apartment or is he my therapist?!)

“Wait,” he said. “Not the girlfriend type? Don’t you want to get married?”

“Nope,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Not right now.”

The guy has a point. I’m about marrying age I guess. I honestly just figured out myself that one day I do want to get married. I always thought I didn’t. I am one of the most independent people I know. Even when I did have a boyfriend, the concepts of jealousy, anger, and general relationship hassle weren’t an issue. We were calm, confident, and we laughed at other couples that always seemed to be miserable. I thought marriage was a huge mistake. Then one day I caught myself watching Say Yes to the Dress, and something clicked in my head. Maybe I could see myself doing that, one day. I just don’t like to make hasty decisions. I stay out late, I’m outspoken, I have the mouth of a sailor and I’m an angry drunk. I am really not girlfriend material –– who would have me? Who would get me that house on the Cape when I can’t even stay home and be quiet for one damn night?

I keep forgetting that this new guy I’ve met knows all this about me. He likes me the way I am, and perhaps I should keep that in mind when I’m deciding who and who isn’t girlfriend/boyfriend material. I think maybe I am just waiting for the right person who wants the same things I do –– to stay up late, sleep in a bit, get wild often and worry hardly ever, never grow up, and then one day wake up, get married and buy a house on the Cape, move away and never look back, just straight ahead off the porch and over the ocean. I guess I won’t have a problem leaving this city as long as I have someone holding my hand who’ll help me keep my eyes on the future rather than my bar scene past. Who knows, maybe this is it, but I guess there’s no way to really know without a little more time being just a bit unsettled.

***

Related Posts:
Life Beyond the Bar Scene: Boys of Summer
Life Beyond the Bar Scene: Play On Playa’
Life Beyond the Bar Scene: How to Lose a Girl in Ten Minutes
Life Beyond the Bar Scene: Naked Laurelin Reading
Life Beyond the Bar Scene: Healthy Relationships are for Boring People and Other Mishaps
Life Beyond the Bar Scene: Letting Go
Life Beyond the Bar Scene: Does it Exist?
Life Beyond the Bar Scene: The Dating Game
Life Beyond the Bar Scene: After a Few Beers Everyone Looks Good and Other Love Stories
Life Beyond the Bar Scene: Getting Naked With Laurelin
Life Beyond the Bar Scene: Seven Days and Seven Nights of Sobriety
Life Beyond the Bar Scene: When it’s Time to Move On
Life Beyond the Bar Scene: Starting Over and Other Stupid Resolutions
Life Beyond the Bar Scene: He Broke Up with Me on a Post-it and Other Travesties
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