Let’s Set Our Profiles To “We’ll Get It Right This Time”0 Comments

by Christine Dinh

Dating in the digital age is hard.  It’s complicated.  The old rules don’t apply.  And it’s completely exposed for the public to weigh in.  Listen up, sista, because you’re a digital Ms. Jen Aniston for the interwebs to focus on for 15 seconds.

I’m not here to talk about dating.  God, no.  It would require you to go on dates to actually dish out advice.  What I am a pro at is navigating the stage between the ‘woo’ and the first-date-that-never-happened.

Besides, putting up a snazzy profile, untagging every unflattering photo, dodging the creepers disguised as Prince E-Charming and defusing a nekkid picture scandal, you now have to worry about all the Disappearing Acts/Fade Away’ers you’ve come across.

Repeat after me:  No, I will not Facebook friend him. Follow him on Twitter. And Foursquare.  GChat with him.  Exchange gamertags.  Or anything other form of electronic contact that can lead to e-stalking or prevent you from ever having that awkward rite of passage filled with butterflies fighting MMA-style in the pit of your stomach also known as the first date at some nifty, pretentious restaurant in Franklin Village or Silverlake that Wonderboy was trying to impress you with.

That was quite the mouthful, wasn’t it?

I’ll admit it; I’m an online junkie. I’m clearly not the only one. And for every social avenue a boy contacts me on, it satisfies my addiction just a little bit more. However, every addiction carries a horrible side effect.

Drugs have not seen as many boys laid to waste as my profiles and buddy lists have.

I now have the misfortune of being exposed to updates like “Wonderboy #1 is in a relationship with Girl That Isn’t You,” Wonderboy #17 checked in at Place He Was Supposed to Take You with 1 other” and “@wonderboy#82: goodbye, @you. hello, hot date at 8pm tonight.”

While I spared myself from all the awkward dates many of my girlfriends have ended on, what am I to do with the battlefield that is my social network?

If you’re like me and you’re too proud to be the first one to defriend and unfollow, and you can’t be bothered to join clients like  Brizzly or  Avoidr, don’t offer up access to your social networks before you offer up your vajayjay.  Well, maybe not even after that.  After all, why let someone in when it can be used as grounds for a case against you.

But if you’re also like me and didn’t know better the first time around, enough talk about what you should have done and what can be done next time.  Here are some quick tips on how to save face.

• Remove him from your news feed. Hey, Facebook finally did us a real solid.  You don’t have to remove Wonderboy from your friends list and look like you care. Just simply click on “Hide” on your news feed. And viola, goodbye masochism.  Sure it doesn’t prevent you from going to his profile directly, but at least it saves you from seeing daily updates.
• Don’t Blip.fm it. I see what you’re doing there. You’re not explicitly saying what it is you’re trying to convey. You’re hoping Wonderboy can read between the lines and see the lyrics are about him. Don’t do it, chica.  You’re not Lloyd Dobler.  Chances are he’s not going to see it.  And if he does, he’s only going to shake his head and be embarrassed for you.  If you must, go blast the Bieber behind closed doors and stay away from the computer or your Jesus phone.
• Stop Foursquaring. Why are you on Foursquare again? Those points and badges mean nothing in real life.  He’s not announcing where he is so you can just by chance bump into him there.  And you announcing where you are may just invite unwelcome suitors to bump into you wherever you are.  Let’s not make life any more awkward than it needs to be.
• Stop hanging with Jose, Jack and Jim. These boys aren’t doing you any favors. Just take a look at your phone in the morning. I’m pretty sure you know what I mean.

This is love in the digital age. And forever ends as soon as another profile catches Wonderboy’s attention.